Raw, real and like a shot of tequila : CIL releases a new EP “don’t hold me accountable”.

words: graciella clark

PHOTOGRAPHY: ELISE ABOTOMEY

CIL isn’t holding anything back, on her brand new EP “don’t hold me accountable” the genre bending artist bares it all -grief, rage, joy and release in a project that feels less like a collection of songs and more like a self written diary cracked wide open. 

Born from emotional exhaustion and a need to stop seeking approval, CIL’s music finds its power in brutal honesty and sonic liberation. Whether she is spilling heartbreak on the gut punch ballad “Rhythm of Love” or reclaiming her peace with the empowering anthem “Pretty Years” every track pulses with raw truth. We spoke with CIL about finding freedom in vulnerability, the healing power of music and how this EP became a map through her personal transformation. 

TEMPER: The EP is a very honest body of work, how do you approach that honesty?

CIL: I was really able to approach this one by coming from a point of being so worn out by trying to be approved of, whether it was by my relationship at the time, my friends or my family. I stopped giving it so much power and although I cared, I cared more about making the music that was honest to me. Approaching it in that way was really important, especially important to my personal growth as a human being. 

T: Did you find there was a freedom in coming to the music?

C: Yeah it was so freeing. It was like finally being able to get something off my chest and that big weight was me caring way too much about what everyone else thought. The only person I hadn’t been thinking of was me. I mean, of course there is a fear of ‘what if people don’t like it? What if people don’t like me?’ but there’s also the freedom of going ‘well she’s out there, that’s who I am, you can love it or hate it but there it is’. 
It’s been a beautiful journey of self-love too. Because, artists make music for people but we are also making music for ourselves and our personal journey. It’s the way we’re able to move through life. It’s kind of like my journal. It’s my diary, all of these songs. 

T- Is there a song that is the most personal to you? Or the most cathartic to write?

C: Yeah. “Rhythm of Love” was the most personal song that I wrote. Its not because of anything other than I finally wrote about going past the anger, past the attitude, going past all these little walls that I’ve put up as a human being and getting to that girl that was just afraid of being forgotten by this person she loved who didn’t love her back. It was very vulnerable and scary to say that -‘oh I’m going to put this record out for everyone to hear me say, that it makes me sick to watch you fall into the rhythm of love with somebody and now I’m nothing to you’- I mean, I never wanted to feel that way, but I did. And the reality of that is not going to go away, whether or not I put it out there into the world or not. Putting it out into the world was actually the best decision I could have made because it made me realise that my love for myself was never present. I was always so worried, I was holding on to this thing and being able to put it out there was cathartic. I think it has saved me from a lot of future bad decisions. 

T: Being able to write about it are you able to let go of it once its written?

C: Yeah well there’s a reason why they call it release. You’re releasing music, you are releasing emotions, releasing spiritual ties, you’re just releasing, even your subconscious is letting go. So there’s a reason it’s called that, and it’s the perfect word because it really is like a release. 

T: Now coming to “Pretty Years” the single, I love it! I was listening to it this morning, it’s such a great song to listen to in the car.  

C: Ohh thank you so much.

T: t is a very empowering anthem. What does it represent to you specifically? 

C: “Pretty Years” is my reminder to choose peace in life rather than choosing the constant battle everyday. I think love is something worth fighting for, but sometimes when we get into abusive relationships we think that is love. We are convinced that it’s love, even though subconsciously we know that love is not supposed to hurt. Love isn’t supposed to physically hurt and it’s not supposed to make you cry yourself to sleep every night, because it’s not supposed to be lonely. With “Pretty Years” I was afraid of feeling the pain of loving that person and staying, but I was also afraid of leaving. It was a fork in the road moment where I was like- ‘okay, you need to make a choice, are you going to spend your time demanding love and respect or are you going to let go and know that loving yourself enough to walk away is going to lead you towards people that genuinely care for you and will take you to a place where you genuinely care for yourself.

T: Is this the most personal growth you have felt in a record release?

C: Yeah it’s the first real release for me. I’ve grown so much, but its not like, I’m not just sitting here saying I’ve grown. I’m sitting here having made all of those hard decisions to walk away and telling everybody that listens, that is in a position or was in a position that I was in, that you will be ok. Although the record is fun and cheeky sometimes, its also so explanatory of what I went through, its so honest. I used to think that being honest meant being deeply emotional and deeply emotionally in tune with myself, and it is, but it’s also knowing when not to take things so seriously, because some guys are just losers. Some people are just not worth your time. And also, sometimes you’re just being stupid, you gotta move on, it doesn’t have to be this huge giant thing. But also acknowledging that all of the emotions I went through were really important. I think that’s why it’s so sonically diverse.

T: I found that with the song “Loser”, the sound of your voice and the way that it changes, it could be two different people singing it.

C: Yeah. I mean that song, it’s funny because you can really hear where I was at emotionally and that’s why I thought it was important that it came out. It might be like a little bit of a different sound, but it was. I mean it was a really long period of my life that I was feeling aggressive and kind of on some fuck you vibe. Like I was really on that and now coming to releasing all of this I’m glad that people are able to see that part of me. Even though maybe when I listen to it now and I go -‘oh god this is really uncomfortable to listen to’     because I know where I was at. But I think it will help a lot of people. 
Help is a funny word, I think it will empower people. 

T- Yeah absolutely and resonate with them. For the EP did you work instinctively or did you map it out?

C: It was very instinctual, but also a testament to what I was listening to and my personal identity at the time. It was a year and a half in the making that ended up taking five months to write. Sometimes with inspiration you have to be patient. It’s not always going to hit you, you don’t want to force it because that just draws it farther and farther away. With this, it was me waiting for it and then it struck and then it was one, after the other, after the other. 

T- Were there any outside influences for the songs or was it all just from your personal experience?

C: Yeah all of the songs were written about personal experiences. But then sonically what I was listening to at the time had a big influence. I think I was listening to a lot of Blues, like Gary Moore, and I still am listening to it. So there are some of those bluesy, waily (sic)emotional songs, but then you also have “New Jack’s Spring” on there where I was taking things I’ve always been inspired by ever since I was a kid. 
Getting in the studio and writing about my personal experiences and then trying to create tracks, along with my producer, Evan, and trying to create that energy that really opened up the world, especially pairing it with the visuals and styling it all. It’s all just this one cohesive time and place and I want to make sure that I’m taking people there.

T- How do you approach the visual storytelling? 

C: Visual storytelling is a new avenue for me because I’m finally exploring my individuality with my style and colours, patterns and things like that. I’ve always had one specific identity, where I was like -‘oh I just want it to feel nostalgic’- but now it’s deeper. It’s like the women that I’ve found in fashion that are so iconic to me and that have influenced my own fashion, like Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith. Those women were huge for me. Also I’m convinced I’m a mermaid. That’s a conversation for another day, but I really love iridescence and shimmers, I want to shine. I want everything I do to glimmer and glow a little bit. So, yeah, it’s been so fun. The way that I’ve been able to approach that is so freeing. There’s not any real pressure right now for me. I’m just figuring out who I am and I’m having fun with that. It’s so exciting, I mean, there are endless possibilities for it right now. It’s always just felt like me, that little piece of just CIL, no matter what influences I bring in or what colours or shapes, there is always CIL in it. And as long as there’s always CIL in it then I’m just going to have fun. 

T: Amazing! I just have one more question, if “don’t hold me accountable” was able to manifest itself into a tangible thing what would it be?

C: I want to say it would be like a seashell, but that’s not going to make sense to other people, so I’m going to say it’d be like a fucking glass of wine I think.